I’d like to share a slightly different topic from usual, based on lived experience over the last decade.

It is a fact of life that not all parents stay together. And following on from that, people begin relationships with people who have children from previous relationships.

It seems the most obvious response to the new partner’s children is to try to become a surrogate parent - to come close, get to know them, let them feel loved and that you’re safe.

I personally tried this - it didn’t work well. I’d like to offer an alternative approach, and the psychology behind it.

A child depends deeply on their parents/caregivers. They depend on them for safetly, emotional regulation, love.

Then, along comes a new partner. That new partner will likely, if the kids are old enough to notice, be seen as a threat to that safety. Ironically, our stepping towards the child to befriend them can actually have the opposite effect to intended: they can feel that their safety is at risk - that we are competing for their parent’s love and affection.

The solution is perhaps counter-intuitive: step back. Make it clear to the child that when it comes to their parent, they come first. If they come into the room, to chat, step out. Make sure they have plenty 1:1 time with their parent. It may even require this for a few years - until they feel safe and secure around you - in fact, that you are now perceived as boring! You are now perceived as a non-event regarding their safety and family security. This is achieved with inaction and stepping back!